Wise Anger
“My silences had not protected me. Your silence will not protect you.”
Something real is changing for many of us, yet society often asks us to keep it quiet. If you are going through perimenopause or menopause and find yourself feeling a sudden, searing heat, not just a physical flash but a flash of internal anger, I want you to know that I see you. Your anger is welcome here.
I have never believed that our emotions are something to be cured or fixed. Whilst hormones certainly play their part, I believe something much deeper is happening. This is not just biology; it is a soul-level release. After decades of holding our breath, biting our tongues, and folding ourselves small to fit into the lives of others, the pressure cooker is finally whistling.
Good Girl
From the time we are small, we are taught that nice is the highest virtue a woman can hold. Little girls are told by adults that it is not nice to be angry. In the workplace, female workers are categorised as bossy when they raise their voice to be heard. Mothers are told they are bad if they shout at their children, and wives are often dismissed as hysterical or over-dramatic if they express anger at home.
I am not dismissing the judgement of male anger, which can be viewed as dangerous or controlling, but I am choosing to stay within the female experience here because it is so often ignored. We get used to swallowing our anger. Silence can feel safe, but it is a quiet enemy that slowly chips away at a woman’s soul. It turns into the fake smile of people-pleasing and the habit of saying yes when every fibre of our being wants to say no.
When we push these feelings down, we create a head of steam that will eventually explode. Often, this explosion is met with confusion or rejection from those around us. People may say you have changed or that you are not yourself. Some may even threaten to leave if you do not sort yourself out.
Moving Beyond the Labels
Society prefers it if women transition seamlessly into their later years. We are expected to go from being a dutiful daughter, partner, and worker to becoming the ever-smiling, cosy elder who sacrifices her own needs for others. A woman who fights against this position or dares to put her own needs first can find herself unfairly judged.
She is often seen as becoming a bitter woman, someone who is supposedly crushed by the loss of her youth. This is when a woman is at risk of turning her anger inwards, hating herself for her feelings and her ageing body.
But what if we looked at this differently? What if we rejected those old labels and instead looked to the ancient image of the Wise Woman? This is a figure of power, wisdom, and intuition. She is a guide and a protector of truth.
In their research on feminine power, Lorna Stevens, Pauline Maclaran, and Olga Kravets describe this as "wise anger." They write that a woman at this stage of life does not need to walk quietly into the background. She has every right to be heard and to speak out against things that are unfair. She will not tolerate nonsense, and she will not go quietly into the dark.
Anger as a Teacher
What if we were to allow this anger to sit with us so we could ask it what it is trying to tell us? There needs to be an understanding of anger in women, by women, through accepting it and expressing it. Most women are scared to lean into it because they fear being rejected or abandoned. However, we cannot simply get rid of an emotion. We can only seek to understand it.
Anger is a warning to our core selves. It reminds us that something is not right, that there is unfairness, or that our needs are not being met. We must find ways to release this energy safely.
This might happen in therapy, by writing a letter we never post, by singing at the top of our lungs, or by screaming in the car alone. You might find release through boxing, beating a pillow, or simply howling into the wind. Whatever works for you is valid. It can feel like finally coming up for air. It is a sense of relief and freedom.
What Lies Beneath the Anger
When we have finished releasing that energy, we almost always find something else underneath. Often, it is sadness and grief. It may be old pain, lost dreams, or the sadness of watching children grow up and leave home.
Once we understand these feelings, we can share them with loved ones to help explain what is happening. This allows us to talk about our needs calmly and firmly. Being able to express your anger while also acknowledging the sadness underneath is one of the biggest kindnesses a woman can show to herself.
Simply taking some time in the day to let off that steam is a huge act of self-care. The more we get used to doing that, the less the sadness and anger will take over. So, the next time you are about to dismiss your feelings and blame them on your hormones, simply start by asking: "What are you trying to tell me?"
