How To Accept The Shadow Within Us
“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
When you train to be a counsellor, you do not just learn how to sit with other people. You start to notice yourself more closely.
We cannot help others face difficult parts of their lives if we have not been willing to look at our own. That sounds obvious, but it is not always easy to accept. Turning towards parts of ourselves that carry pain, shame, or old hurt can feel unsettling. Sometimes it feels easier to leave things alone.
It can feel strange to bring up memories or feelings that have been buried for a long time. Our instincts are there to protect us. They want us to stay safe and keep going. Avoiding the harder stuff often feels like the sensible option.
But often, it is when we stop avoiding it that things begin to change.
Understanding what we carry
Carl Jung’s idea of the shadow helped me make sense of this. He suggested that there are parts of ourselves we push out of awareness because they feel too uncomfortable or too painful to hold. These parts do not disappear. They sit quietly in the background.
This is not a failure. It is how we survive. If everything we had been through stayed fully present all the time, most of us would struggle to function. Our minds are very good at helping us cope.
When it starts to show
The parts we push away do not stay hidden forever.
They tend to show up when we are under pressure. We might react strongly to something that seems small. We might feel overwhelmed, anxious, angry, or shut down. Panic can arrive without much warning and feel frightening and confusing.
People respond in different ways. Some cry easily. Some feel irritated or restless. Some go numb and disconnected. Most of us have had moments where we think, “This feels out of proportion. What is going on?”
Often, this is something unacknowledged trying to be noticed.
What these moments are telling us
These experiences are not signs that something is wrong with us. They are signals. They point towards something that has not yet had space or understanding.
Working with a counsellor can help slow this down and make sense of it. With support, it becomes possible to see where these reactions come from and what they are linked to. That is often where things begin to ease.
The shadow is not there to sabotage us. It is part of us asking to be taken seriously.
Seeing ourselves through others
This can also help explain why certain people affect us more than others.
Sometimes we react strongly to people because they reflect something we do not like or accept in ourselves. Other times, they show qualities we learned early on were not allowed. Confidence, anger, directness, independence.
Noticing this can be uncomfortable, but it can also be useful.
Something to try
Think of someone who has been difficult for you, in the past or now.
Write down what bothers you about them. Write down what you admire too, if there is anything. Be honest rather than polite.
Then ask yourself:
Do I recognise any of this in myself.
Is there something here I find hard to accept.
Is there a quality I have learned to hold back or ignore.
If any of this rings true, you are starting to notice your shadow.
That does not mean you have done anything wrong. It just means you are paying attention.
Moving Forward
This kind of reflection can be a gentle way in. You do not need to force anything. Even noticing is enough to start with.
If you want to go further, working with a BACP registered counsellor or therapist can make a real difference. This work is not meant to be done alone.
Facing these parts of ourselves is not about getting stuck in the past. It is about understanding ourselves better and living with a bit more ease.
We all deserve that.
Turning towards ourselves in this way takes courage. If you are doing it, even slowly, that matters.
